Things have been really wonky of late, particularly in the family arena. I realized the image I had of our dynamic was not just naive but borderline delusional. The sense of loss that came with that realization, well I don't think we will be recovering from that. It isn't just the loss of the past, but again, the loss of an entire future. Yet my one consolation is that whatever happens, happens for the best. So while I may eventually forgive (won't be forgetting), right NOW...it's shitsville. It's grief on another's behalf, anguish for their suffering, anger at their foolishness and deception, and fervent prayer for their salvation. I could go on, but I think I've shed enough tears.
Tied in with that is the tragedy in the motherland. Growing up, Pakistan was just a place we went to for summer vacation, with fascinating relatives we met for a week at a stretch. But there was no real attachment...we weren't from "there"...we spoke better, dressed better, lived better. Ah such baseless superiority! The only real feeling I had for the country of my birth was a vague attachment founded solely on the stories my parents told. And yeah it was fun getting so much attention and presents every year. College wasn't any different, and had it not been for one of my "wives" I never would have come to realize what it means to be patriotic. She's been my inspiration in so many ways, someone I strive to emulate (at least in my dreams)and someone I completely believe will make a difference one day :) I'm so proud of her. Thanks to her I've re-established my roots, reformed my identity, and...once I actually got to live there and with the help of some amazing friends at work...formed a fierce determination to be of service. Service for my country, who'd ha thunk it? I still have a long, long way to go but the first step in the right direction is my resolve to move back home.
Home :) In 27 years whenever people have asked "where are you from?" I haven't had a straight answer. Well, no longer.
I'm from Pakistan.
I have never seen a country with so much untapped potential. It physically hurts me to see it going to waste either through malice or negligence or indifference. It burns to see people make so much empty talk from the comfort of their Roche Bobois living rooms. Yet I also see the spirit of the people...young people...who are out there doing what they can. And it gives me hope. I honestly feel that our nation is currently suffering the azaab for its misdeeds, and I can't imagine a better time than Ramadan for the point to hit home and perhaps have an impact. Ramadan and Independence Day...all within a week. When every channel on every network is crooning spiritually uplifting, nationalistic fervor arousing, soul pumping tunes. I just hope that people do more than turn the volume up. I hope that people snap out of their self-indulgent faux realities and take some action. I hope that for once...for once, people unite. The whole country is literally drowning, how much worse does it have to get before the nation snaps out of it?
I hope and I pray and I try.
2 comments:
People are finally waking up from slumber and although we are still miles away from the spirit shown by the people during the earthquake atleast we now have a start. Even our idiotic vest wearing horns blowing oily hair flowing in the wind - biker boys were subdued tonight. Ofcourse we still had "patriots" peppering the sky with bullets trying to make the moon look like the crescent on our flag, and throwing firecrackers into their neighbours but still loads better than last year.
*hug* I understand the family thing. I had all these ideas in my head that didn't really match reality at all. It was a rude awakening at the time and it hasn't really ever gotten better overall, but if you take it a day at a time, there can be good days. and Inshallah you will have many good days *hug*.
I'm proud that you've found a patriotic self that you believe in so much. I am sure you and the other wife will make a huge difference:) I am not tied as tightly as you are to that patriotism, but even I feel it and hope and pray for Pakistan and would like to help make a difference. It is a sadly abused country, seeming so hopeless and powerless to escape from the way it's being used and pretty much "going to hell in a handbasket." but I will hold on to your belief that the youth in our country can be enough, can provide enough light in the darkness to make a difference. They say things get really bad before they get any better, well thing's are really bad now. Time can change many things and I will pray everyday to live to see it. *hug*
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