Okay, I know at least three smacks will be coming my way when I tell you I was stalking you-know-who on FB again. I didn't mean to, but I was on someone's page and there is his name. With a new picture. WELL...I just had to click. Guess what? You-know-who went to Hawaii. Hawaii. Wait, I'll say it again...HAWAII.
I realize I was asking for it, but still..couldn't quite suppress the inner wail that came ripping out. The world spun for a moment, but reality came back soon enough. Although not soon enough to stop me from sending a $!)^*)@! email to a cousin. When does one stop caring? The upside of all this is (lest you think this is only a whine-fest)that I suddenly realized that I was kinda happy for him. That he looked good. That I was glad he was having fun. Then along came the downside. My life by comparison.
I'm thinking of very specific things, and as most of you know what those "things" are, you can understand the effect those "things" have had on life over the past months. You guys also know me well enough to see the inner dichotomy I have to deal with on a daily basis...the balancing act which I don't always get right. These days it's a little more precarious than usual because I'm once again faced with difficult choice. Stay or go. Stay and be with parents or go and build a career. Part of me doesn't want to go...call it age, but I feel quite content here...few worries, no bills, home. I am finally, finally tired of moving around. The other part of me is bubbling over with all the things I want to do once abroad. God knows how many "to-do" lists I've made and gotten nowhere with. Part of me is humming "this time, maybe this time, definitely this time". I finally feel like I have a plan...a direction, and naturally I want to jump right in with both feet. This is where you-know-who's pictures come in. They made me realize what a big beautiful world it is, and how MUCH is out there. How easy it would be to lose myself doing all the fun things I ever wanted to, especially with indulgent parents. One part wistful sigh. Step in over-zealous caution. Wtf is this? Who let caution in? Is this part of the growing up business? Because if it is, I like it not. Sneaky bastard whispering in my ear about all the tragedies that could befall me. Not to mention waste of money. Time away from my parents...will I regret it later? What if something happens? Could I be doing something more productive? Think of all the people in this very city who live miserable lives in squalid conditions...how do I justify this self-indulgence? Two parts humbug. Then a sliver of fear sets in when I remember all the hadiths and aayahs talking about the glamor of this life and its pull. And how short-lived it all is. What happens after? How does one answer for it? My life is quite comfortable as it is, when so much of the world suffers. Can I actually go out purely for pleasure seeking, when it could be more incumbent on me to strive in the other direction? Is this guilt or an overactive sense of social responsibility?
Why is it becoming harder to be lighthearted?
5 comments:
Come to Spain with me. That way we can both spend outrageous sums of money and feel guilty about it until our amazing adventure starts. I haven't booked anything yet because I've been talking myself out of it using all the excuses you mentioned.
But then yesterday, I read a book where the heroine also stayed at home, did what was expected of her, never went out and had adventures, and finally she realizes that she's let life slip her by. I refuse to do that any more, I have far too many older friends with regrets.
LET US LIVE!
All you have to do is agree, I will start coming up with a plan, oh and the trip would have to happen end of june/beginning of july because that's when I took time off. You could fly from Pakistan to meet me in X European city (ahem, Madrid) then leave with me for Montreal!
And if it makes you feel better, I deserve a beating compared to your 3 smacks. So I definitely understand, and you can lower the smacks count to 2.
*ahem*
Why do YOU deserve a beating, hmmmmm?
Get your cute self on msn and I'll tell you why :P
Sorry I just came across this, otherwise would've commented sooner.
I don't think you should let guilt in your way. Yes, I can understand you wanting to be with your parents and all that...and life is comfortable in Karachi. But you have to ask yourself what you really want. And especially why you want to go for your masters? If the answer is just a pleasure-seeking trip abroad as you seem to imply (I would say that's unfair to yourself), then the answer is NO. No it's not worth the time and money and being away from your parents.
But if it's about doing what you think is best for you, the learning, the responsibility, your career...and of course the fun stuff, then go for it. And don't feel guilty about it.
As long as you're true to yourself and in communication with your parents, you have nothing to be guilty about. And please, I don't think this is overactive social responsibility at all. And if it is, who says you can't be abroad and do social responsibility stuff?? You can do whatever you want to do. It's not an all or nothing scenario. So stop making excuses for not doing what you want to do :)
*hug*
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